


Can't Hold Back

by highly_caffeinated



Series: life itself [1]
Category: Rocketman (2019), Rocketman (2019) RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bernie is the most supportive person ever, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Elton is a complete disaster, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friendship, I guess you could say there's also a lot of platonic cuddling, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, John can't decide if he's horrible or not, M/M, Ray and Bernie are such good friends, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, but things eventually get better, there is a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22798558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highly_caffeinated/pseuds/highly_caffeinated
Summary: Bernie honestly couldn’t remember a time when this wasn’t happening; couldn’t remember a time when John and Elton hadn’t been fighting about one thing or another.Well… Maybe he could remember a time when things hadn’t been so bad for his friend. Maybe in the beginning before shit began hitting the fan; when John actually cared about him, when his life wasn’t completely consumed by alcohol or drugs or shoving his fingers down his throat after every meal.Back when it was just Elton and Bernie, taking on the world together.*fully edited as of 4/6/2020*
Relationships: Elton John & Bernie Taupin, Elton John/John Reid
Series: life itself [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1659367
Comments: 18
Kudos: 25





	1. nights are usually the hardest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *this story is based primarily on the movie and its portrayal of things. it does not follow the exact timeline, though. this story is also not a reflection of how situations actually occurred or how people actually acted (in short, this is a work of FICTION)*

Bernie honestly couldn’t remember a time when this wasn’t happening; couldn’t remember a time when John and Elton hadn’t been fighting about one thing or another.

Well… Maybe he could remember a time when things hadn’t been so bad for his friend. Maybe in the beginning before shit started hitting the fan; when John actually cared about him, when his life wasn’t completely consumed by alcohol or drugs or shoving his fingers down his throat after every meal.

Back when it was just the two of them, taking on the world together.

Bernie was pulled from his brief reverie by the sound of someone knocking on the door. He didn’t even need to guess who it was, knowing that there was only one person in this house who would ever come to his room for anything. So, he really wasn’t surprised when he opened the door to his bedroom and saw Elton standing there. He was, however, surprised to see him standing there with tears in his eyes, a bottle of vodka in his hand, and bruises in the shape of hands around his neck (or maybe Bernie wasn’t surprised, having seen the effects of John’s anger all over his skin over the years). “He left,” Elton muttered, lip quivering like he would burst into tears at any moment. Bernie wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led him to the small sofa in the middle of the room. He took the bottle from his friend’s hand and put it on the table before going to get two glasses. He poured both himself and Elton a drink and took a seat next to him. Bernie stared at his friend with wide eyes as he finished his drink and grabbed the bottle from the table. 

“Elton?” Bernie asked when he noticed the other man shaking slightly, taking in his glazed-over eyes and pale skin as well.

“Hm?” Elton poured himself another drink and gestured to Bernie’s glass with the bottle. Bernie just shook his head.

“When was the last time you ate something?”

“A few hours ago,” he mumbled, laying his head back on the sofa and closing his eyes. Bernie raised an eyebrow at him and shook his head.

“Okay, uh... Allow me to rephrase my question. When was the last time you ate something and didn’t immediately run off to the restroom to throw it back up?” He just shrugged. Bernie sighed loudly, made his way over to Elton, and pulled him up before leading him out of the room.

“What’re you doing?” Elton whined as he let Bernie lead him down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Making you something to eat,” Bernie snapped as he sat Elton down in one of the chairs, his frustration growing. His expression softened a little when he saw him jump from the noise. He shook his head at the words and Bernie sighed. “You need to eat,” he whispered, voice almost inaudible.

“I already told you I did earlier.”

“I mean _really_ eat, Reg. _Without_ throwing it up right after.” He looked down at his hands. Bernie only ever called him _Reg_ anymore when he was really worried about him. Bernie thought for a minute. “Does John know about you doing this?” Elton snorted.

“John doesn’t _care_ ,” he sneered, trying (and failing) to play it cool, to make it seem like he wasn’t dying inside. He couldn’t tell Bernie that ever since his boyfriend found out about some of his _'habits'_ , John would make some sort of snarky or condescending remark about his weight and/or appearance any time he tried to eat. He couldn’t tell Bernie that part of him hoped that doing this would somehow make John love him again. “All he cares about is the money I bring in.”

“He cares about you,” Bernie said, hoping it wasn’t obvious that he was lying. He knew John was a rotten person overall, but he didn’t want to make his friend feel any worse than he already did. He put the sandwich he made for Elton on a plate and set it on the table in front of him. “Eat.” He tried to push the plate away, but Bernie held it in place. “You’ve lost a lot of weight, Reg. You need to eat something.” He shook his head, a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away before turning his gaze to his friend.

“No, I haven’t,” he said slowly, eyes narrowing. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He was just about ready to storm out of the kitchen and lock himself in his room when Bernie grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Please,” he said, voice filled with desperation. He stared at Bernie’s hand wrapped around his arm. “You don’t have to eat all of it,” he tried to compromise. Elton thought about it for a minute before sitting back down in the chair with a huff and eating the sandwich Bernie had made him.

*

Elton found himself unable to sleep as he lay curled in a ball on his bed. He had excused himself to his room almost immediately after he finished eating, weakly reassuring Bernie that he wouldn’t throw up his meal. He wrapped his arms tighter around himself and squeezed his eyes closed, trying to force the bad thoughts from his mind. It didn’t work, though, the thoughts becoming louder with each passing second and threatening to drive him mad. The final straw was when he started hearing the onslaught of insults in John’s voice. Hearing the man who once claimed to love him call him fat, selfish, worthless, and stupid made him feel physically sick. His stomach clenched and he jumped out of bed, rushing into the bathroom and dropping to his knees in front of the toilet. He didn’t even need to stick his fingers down his throat, everything just coming up painfully on its own. He wasn’t sure how long he actually spent throwing up, but it seemed like an eternity before he finally managed to drag himself off the bathroom floor and back into bed, thankfully falling into a dreamless sleep within minutes.

He awoke the next morning to find John lying next to him in bed, an arm slung over him and his face nuzzled into Elton’s neck. When asleep, John looked like a completely different person. He was calm, peaceful; nothing like the person he was when he was awake. He used to be like that, back when they first started seeing each other. But then something changed. Seeing his boyfriend look so calm almost made Elton wonder if the events of last night actually happened. He knew they had, though, as he examined the bruises on his arm from John grabbing him, knowing that there were identical hand-shaped bruises around his neck as well.

Elton was still staring at his arm when he felt John stir next to him. His whole body tensed as he waited for John to do something; the other man, however, seemed to be in a good mood this morning because he took Elton’s hand and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “Mornin’ love,” he said, voice heavy with sleep. Elton almost choked. He couldn’t remember the last time John had called him “love”, his boyfriend usually preferring to throw insults at him instead. That apparently wasn’t the case today, though. John trailed kisses along his jaw and down to his neck, stopping suddenly when he caught sight of the bruises. He pulled away, staring at Elton like he couldn’t quite figure out where those marks had come from. Like he couldn’t remember that he had choked him last night before storming out of the house. He ran his fingers over the bruises and Elton winced. John turned his gaze back to him, an expression that Elton couldn’t quite decipher on his face. “Darling,” he said slowly, pressing down on the bruises. He tried to pull away, but John wrapped his hand loosely around his throat to stop him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you angry yesterday,” Elton muttered, eyes wide. He was praying that John wouldn’t be able to tell that he was lying. "We were having a nice night, and I ruined it." At this, he removed his hand from Elton’s throat and smiled at him. John kissed him one last time, seemingly satisfied with his answer, before climbing out of bed and making his way to the bathroom to shower. Elton wrapped his arms around himself as he heard the shower turn on, wishing that things could be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... Here I am. Once again ignoring my other responsibilities so that I can channel all of my current emotions into writing a story that I hope you all enjoy. Feel free to let me know what you think of the first chapter in the comments!


	2. out of touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back. this one is for all of you lovely readers

Elton knew that John cheated on him. It wasn’t a secret. He used to get so upset when he’d see John flirting with someone, wondering what was so wrong with him that even his own boyfriend didn’t want to be with him.

He glanced at the glass in his hand before deciding that he’d rather just have the whole bottle. As he took a long drink from his bottle of whiskey, he thought back to one of the various times he had caught John with someone else:

_“What’re you doing, John,” Elton said, walking over to his boyfriend and the man he had just finished making out with. This wasn’t the first time Elton had caught John doing things with other men. This was, however, the first time Elton was confronting him about it._

_“Oh, just having a bit of fun, darling,” John replied, glaring at Elton. “Finding someone who’s actually worth my time for once,” he sneered, pushing Elton up against the wall, “unlike you.” The man who John had been with hurried out of the room, leaving just the two of them._

_“Unlike me?” Elton scoffed, pushing against John. “I’m your boyfriend, John.”_

_“So?” he started, grabbing Elton by the shoulders and slamming him back into the wall, smirking at the other man’s wince. “What if I don’t want you?”_

_“What?” Elton choked out, eyes starting to fill with tears._

_“Get over yourself, Elton. You’re not that special.” Elton tried to pull away, but John held him in place. He pulled his dressing gown off, eyes immediately going to his boyfriend’s ribs, which were beginning to stick out more than normal. John ran his hand over them before turning his gaze back to Elton. “Looks like vomiting after you eat is working well for you, darling. Make sure to keep it up—"_

Elton was so lost in his memories that he didn’t hear his name being called. “Hey, mate,” Bernie said, finally getting his friend’s attention after calling his name for several minutes. He had been looking for the other man for ages. Elton groaned into his drink as he turned to see who was bothering him, face lighting up at the sight of his friend.

“Bernie!” he yelled, wincing slightly at his volume and making his way over. Bernie chuckled at his friend; that is, until he realized that Elton was drunk. He stumbled over to Bernie before falling into the seat next to him. 

“It’s been a while,” Bernie said after a few moments of silence, looking over at Elton. His friend looked maybe a little bit better since he last saw him a few weeks ago, his skin slightly less pale and skeletal. He was still looking a little too thin, but at least he wasn’t any worse off than last time. 

“Yeah. Pretty miserable, isn’t it?” he asked, gesturing vaguely around the room and taking another drink from the bottle of whiskey he had gripped in his hand.

Just when Elton thought this party couldn’t get any worse, he heard his mother call his name. He sighed loudly before turning to see her, his face lighting up a little at seeing his Nan with her. He hugged his mother weakly before moving on as soon as John came over. 

“Lovely to see you, Sheila,” John said, pulling her into a hug and kissing her on the cheek. “You too, Ivy,” he said, nodding to her as well. Ivy wasn’t really listening, though, all of her attention on her grandson. 

Elton smiled brightly as he walked over to her. “Oh, Reggie,” she said worriedly, wrapping him in a hug. “What’s happened to you?” Elton raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean, Nan?”

“You’re so thin and pale. You look ill. Have you been eating enough?”

“Of course he eats enough, Mum. This is Reggie we’re talking about.” Elton froze at his mother’s words, refusing to look at her as she walked over to him and poked at his ribs. “I think you look great, darling. Definitely keep it up.” He felt like he was going to be sick. His mother didn’t seem to be finished, though, this time turning to John. “John, love, do make sure that Elton keeps up whatever it is he’s been doing.”

John smiled at her. “Of course, Sheila. I’ll make sure he does.” He turned his gaze to Elton, smirking at him.

That was it. He really was going to be sick. He bolted from the room, running up the stairs and into his bathroom, once again falling to his knees in front of the toilet and vomiting. 

Not long after, he heard a soft knock on the bathroom door followed by Bernie’s voice. “Elton?” When he got no response from his friend, Bernie opened the door and saw Elton collapsed over the toilet, body shaking like a leaf. He quickly rushed over to him and helped him sit back against the wall. Bernie had to admit that his friend looked like shit.

"I'm fine, Bernie," he muttered, waving his friend off. "Just had a bit too much to drink tonight." His friend just stared at him in disbelief.

"You can't honestly expect me to believe that," he laughed coldly, nudging the other man in an attempt to lighten the mood. "So, why don't you tell me what's really going on?" He stayed silent, playing with the hem of his jacket sleeve. Bernie had just about given up hope of his friend saying anything else when he heard him sigh heavily.

“I need to get out of here,” Elton whispered, voice hoarse and barely audible. Bernie turned to look at him.

“What?”

“I can’t do it anymore, Bernie,” he said, shaking his head as a few tears began streaming down his face. “I can’t do it.” Bernie’s heart broke for his best friend. He had known that things were hard for Elton, but he hadn’t realized that his friend was this close to a complete breakdown.

“I thought things had been getting a little better since we talked a few weeks ago. You and John seemed to be getting along, you were eating more often, and you weren’t throwing up as much.” At this, he started crying even harder and Bernie wrapped an arm around him before pulling him to his chest. “Hey, it’s okay Reg,” he soothed, rubbing circles on his friend’s back in an attempt to calm him down. “Everything is gonna be okay.” Elton just shook his head. Bernie sighed. “Look, I was planning on heading back to my ranch tomorrow to stay for a while. Why don’t you come with me?” Bernie assumed that Elton would refuse like he usually did whenever he suggested that the two of them run away to his ranch. He had been trying to get Elton to come with him for years. He figured this time wouldn’t be any different. Things were getting bad, though. Elton was falling apart and John obviously wasn’t doing anything to fix it. On the contrary, John was most definitely making things worse. Bernie was just about ready to accept defeat once again when he heard Elton speak.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “I’ll come with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is hard, I tried. Once again, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments. Reading them literally makes my day


	3. be my savior

“You will?” Bernie squeaked, not entirely sure he heard his friend correctly. Elton just nodded, laying his head back on Bernie’s shoulder. They sat like that for a little while, Bernie rubbing Elton’s arm in an attempt to calm him. He did that for a few minutes before stopping when he noticed that Elton was starting to fall asleep against him. He shook his arm lightly, startling him awake. “How about we get you to bed and then pack some of your things in the morning?”

“But what about the party?” he asked, eyes wide. “John will be angry if I’m not down there.” Even thinking about the possibility of John being angry at him made Elton want to die. The bruises on his neck from a few weeks ago had finally faded and he shuddered at the thought of what John would do if he fucked anything else up.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” Elton still looked unsure, but at this point he was much too exhausted to protest. 

“Okay,” Elton whispered, letting Bernie help him off the bathroom floor and lead him back into the bedroom. He didn’t even bother changing into pajamas, just kicked off his shoes and fell onto the bed. He immediately curled into a ball and Bernie saw that, even in a more relaxed state, he was still shaking slightly.

“I’ll just be down the hall in the guest room, okay?” Elton nodded slowly, eyes falling closed. Bernie gave his shoulder a squeeze before going to leave the room. He had almost made it to the door when he heard Elton’s voice again.

“Bernie?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you… For all of this.” Bernie just smiled at his friend before shutting the light off and closing the door behind him.

*****

“What do you think you’re doing?” John asked the next morning as he watched Elton throw a bunch of his clothes in a suitcase.

“I’m packing, John. What does it look like?” Elton turned to glare at his boyfriend. John fought the urge to get angry, knowing that he would need to stay calm if he wanted to keep his boyfriend from leaving. He needed the other man to feel like he was on his side. Elton continued to glare at him. “I’m leaving.” John sighed, a frown on his face as he walked over. Elton’s face immediately softened.

“But darling, what about everything here?” John pulled Elton close, laying one hand on the side of his face and running the other down the other man’s back. Elton closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. “What about me?”

“I just… Just need some time away, John. Just for a bit.”

“No, love. What you need is for you and me to spend more time together. Just us.” John kissed him slowly, knowing that he would need to be gentle if he wanted Elton to give up on whatever he had planned. “Wouldn’t you rather do that? Spend time with the person who loves you?”

“Well… I guess,” he said, kissing him back. John smiled, knowing he had Elton right where he wanted him. That is, until Bernie Taupin decided to barge into the room.

“Hey, Reg, you ready to—”

John pushed Elton away from him. “Oh, Bernie. Why am I not surprised that you’re the one who’s convinced Elton to take this ridiculous little vacation from me.”

*****

“You need to eat more, Reg,” Bernie said a few days after they arrived as he set plates of food in front of Elton and himself. The other man just stared at him. Bernie knew that Elton was trying. Which was why he felt kind of bad about bringing this up. He couldn’t help it, though. He was worried about his friend. “I know you’ve been eating a little more regularly and throwing up a lot less, and I am so proud of you for all of that, but you still really do need to eat more than you are currently.” He took Elton’s hand in his when he noticed it start to shake. “You don’t need to feel bad about taking care of yourself.”

“I know,” he said slowly, staring down at his plate. He poked at the food with his fork for a couple minutes before finally starting to eat. He would glance up at Bernie every so often, a worried look on his face, before smiling weakly when he saw the encouraging looks the other man was giving him. 

After about 20 minutes of this, Bernie decided that it was a good time to change the subject. “So, I was talking to Ray on the phone a couple of days ago.”

“Really?” Elton asked, taking a sip of his tea and wincing as it burned his throat. “I didn’t know the two of you still talked.”

“We do every once in a while. He’s gonna be in town in a few days and I thought the three of us could go out together,” he said, taking a sip of his own tea. Elton froze. “What’s wrong?” Bernie asked.

“Do you really think Ray would want to see me? I mean… I was kind of awful when I left him and Dick,” Elton muttered, biting his lip nervously. Bernie just chuckled at his friend. “What?” he asked, eyes narrowing, his frustration growing as he watched Bernie laugh.

“He wants to see you, Reg.” Elton raised an eyebrow, not at all convinced by that statement. Bernie sighed. “It’s been almost two and a half years. He’s not angry anymore. Trust me.”

*****

“Ray!” Bernie shouted, a huge smile on his face as he pulled the man into a tight hug. “It’s been too long, mate.” Ray laughed at his friend’s enthusiasm and hugged him back. 

“It has been. Thanks for letting me crash here with you both, by the way.” Bernie waved him off. 

“Don’t worry about it. We’re glad you’re here,” he replied, taking Ray’s bag and leading him into the living room.

“So, where is he?” Ray asked, looking around the room and stopping short when he saw Elton enter. The man looked awful. He tried to hide his shock with a smile, but based on the look Elton was giving him, he guessed it didn’t work. He walked over to him anyway.

“Hey, Ray,” Elton said, holding out a hand to shake. Ray just snorted before pulling him into a hug. He tried to ignore the fact that he could feel Elton’s ribs through his shirt a little bit. He would have to remember to ask Bernie about it later. 

“No need to be so formal, mate. It’s just me,” he said, grinning widely. Elton nodded. “So, how’ve you been?”

“Pretty good,” Elton lied, smiling weakly to make it slightly more believable. “Taking a little break from everything.” Ray laughed.

“I’ll bet that drives Reid crazy. You two still together?”

“Yeah. He’s a little upset that he couldn’t spend this trip with me, but he’ll get over it.” Elton laughed nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Or, at least I hope he’ll get over it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ignoring all of my responsibilities in favor of writing this. feel free to let me know what you think


	4. you can't always get what you want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *HUGE TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE END OF THIS CHAPTER*  
> please stay safe, loves, and once again feel free to let me know what you think in the comments. reading them always makes my day

The time spent at Bernie’s ranch had been some of the best Elton had had in a while, even though it was pretty stressful at first, what with Bernie walking on eggshells around him and constantly sending him worried looks when he thought Elton wasn’t looking. He thought that would change when Ray arrived, but he guessed that Bernie had clued him in on the mess that was Elton’s life because Ray started giving him those same worried looks. Despite all of that, though, Elton had forgotten how much he liked Ray and enjoyed both his and Bernie's company. 

The three of them had fun together, and Elton thought it was nice to spend time with people who were actually interested in _him_ , not his money. It was a nice distraction from all of the things going on in his life.

He still groaned whenever Bernie commented on his eating and shook his head when his friend would remark that he was still too thin, but he didn’t get angry the way he had in the past. Which, he guessed you could say, was an improvement. The real savior on that front, though, was Ray, who acted as a buffer between Bernie’s worried nagging and Elton’s fear of getting better. The three of them quickly realized that it was actually somewhat easy for Elton to eat a normal amount of food at normal times if no one made a big deal about it. 

So they didn’t. And, wouldn’t you know, things started getting a little better. He wasn’t going multiple days without eating only to binge, vomit, and start the cycle over again as often as he used to. It was a fragile situation, though, and both Bernie and Ray were worried that one thing going wrong would send their friend back into a downward spiral, but they were proud of Elton and the fact that he was in the process of getting himself to a healthier mindset.

But like all good things… They usually come to an end. Because, let’s face it, you rarely ever really get what you want. 

He had been at the ranch for a little over a month when John showed up. Elton was alone, having elected to stay home while Ray and Bernie went to the store. They never typically had visitors, so Elton was surprised when he heard someone knock on the door. He could have sworn he felt his heart stop briefly when he finally opened the door and came face-to-face with his boyfriend. “John,” Elton said, surprised to see him. “What’re you doing here?” John just pushed past him, walking into the house.

“I’m retrieving you,” John said, as though it were obvious.

“ _Retrieving_ me?” Elton asked, laughing coldly at his boyfriend. “What, like some package you need to pick up before you can go do what you really want?” John groaned and threw his arms up in exasperation.

“Why do you always have to be so difficult, Elton?” John yelled, running a hand through his hair angrily. He had been planning on being the ‘loving boyfriend’ in order to get Elton to return home with him, but the other man was too infuriating for John to be able to pretend to care about his feelings right now. Lord knows Elton was already sensitive enough as it was. So he decided, instead, to hit his boyfriend where it really hurt and go after his biggest vulnerabilities. 

“I’m not being _difficult_ , John.” Elton backed away slightly when John stalked over to him.

“Well, it certainly seems like you’ve been having a good time on your little break, if _this_ is any indication,” John scoffed, gesturing at Elton with his hand.

“What are you talking about?” Elton asked, eyebrow raised. John frowned.

“You’ve gained weight, love.” Elton looked down at himself, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious. “It’s such a shame.” Elton’s gaze stayed down. “But then again, you’ve always been completely unable to control yourself.” John placed one hand on Elton’s shoulder, the other one drifting to his stomach as he leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "You've gotten fat since you've been here, darling." He could feel his face getting red as he attempted to avoid his boyfriend's gaze. “So I would lay off all the food for a little bit if I were you; you know... Before _this_ turns into an even bigger problem.” Elton pushed John away from him, continuing to back up when he saw the other man’s eyes darken.

“Get out,” Elton sneered, glaring at John. The other man smirked, knowing he had hit a nerve with his boyfriend.

“What’s the matter, darling? You know I’m only saying this because I care about you.” Elton shook his head.

“You don’t care about me, John. If you cared about me, then you wouldn’t be here hassling me and making me feel bad about finally trying to take care of myself.” John scoffed, shaking his head.

“You know, Elton, it would really do you good to stop being such a self-indulgent prick for once because, maybe, you would finally realize that you’ll always be completely worthless in everyone else's eyes.” Elton stumbled back at John’s words, eyes filling with tears. 

“I want you to leave,” he whispered, trying to control the rage that was building inside him. “This,” he gestured between himself and John, “is over.”

“Oh, please. You’re so desperate to have someone who actually gives a damn about you that you’ll be crawling back to me as soon as you realize that no one else is ever going to love you.” By now the tears were streaming down his face as he tried (and failed) to control his emotions. He wanted to curl up and die. He screamed at John to ‘get out’ and was thankful when the other man finally listened.

Elton stood in the middle of the room, shaking, as he watched John slam the door behind him. _Why did everything always have to be so bloody hard?_ he thought to himself as he tried to wipe the tears from his eyes. Every time he seemed to be making good progress with taking better care of himself, John just had to come in and ruin it. Had to remind Elton of how selfish he was being. He ran back into his room and slammed the door before hitting his head with his fist and screaming. He grabbed the closest thing to him and threw it at the mirror, shattering it.

He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t take being trapped in his perpetual shit show of a life any longer. That was it; he was finished. He looked at his reflection in the shattered mirror, wondering why he was so stupid, unlovable, worthless. He felt bad that Bernie and Ray had wasted their time trying to help him and he hoped they wouldn’t blame themselves for what he was about to do. It was no one’s fault but his own.

He grabbed one of the larger pieces of glass from the mirror and took a deep breath, bringing it to his arm and slicing it open. He gasped at the sudden pain but quickly moved to his other arm, repeating the action until they were both bleeding freely. He swayed a bit as he lost more and more blood before finally collapsing, his blood covering the floor around him.

*****

Ray had a feeling that something was wrong. “Elton?” he called when he and Bernie returned from the store. He thought it was odd that Elton wasn’t at the door as soon as they got home the way he usually was. He called his friend’s name again and, when he still received no answer, he made his way to Elton’s room. He knocked on the door, hoping that maybe Elton had fallen asleep and not heard him calling. After once again receiving no answer, he finally decided that he had waited long enough and ripped open the door, almost screaming at what he saw: Elton, unconscious on the floor, with blood flowing freely from his cut wrists. He rushed over to him and checked for a pulse, hoping that they hadn’t arrived home too late. He almost cried when he (finally) felt a weak pulse against his fingers and he turned to shout down the hallway. “Bernie, call an ambulance!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should hopefully be less angsty as I try to pull myself together. thanks for sticking with this story


	5. time after time

Elton hadn’t expected Bernie and Ray staring worriedly at him to be the first thing he saw when he finally woke up. His whole body felt like it was on fire and he brought a hand to his head, squeezing his eyes shut and groaning. “What happened?” he managed to get out as he looked around the room in confusion. His eyes widened when he vaguely caught sight of his arms and he almost vomited when he saw the blood seeping through the bandages. Bernie noticed his friend’s expression and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, doing his best to avoid the IV’s and other tubes.

“Ray, would you mind going to let one of the nurses know that he’s woken up?” Bernie asked. Ray nodded, jumping out of his chair and quickly scurrying from the room. As soon as he was gone, Bernie turned to face Elton again, tears filling his eyes. He took a deep breath. “Reg…”

“What am I doing here, Bernie?” he asked, eyes filled with pain and confusion. Bernie couldn’t tell if it was from all of the painkillers the doctors had him on or if Elton really didn’t remember that he had tried to kill himself.

“You tried to kill yourself,” Bernie whispered, tears starting to stream down his face. It made Elton want to cry. “Why?” Elton’s eyebrows shot up at Bernie’s question.

“What?”

“Why did you try to kill yourself, Reg?”

“I talked to John,” he whispered, picking at the bandages on his arms. “He came over while you and Ray were at the store and started yelling, calling me fat and selfish and…” he trailed off, biting his lip nervously.

“And what?” Bernie prodded.

“And… He said that I had always been completely worthless in everyone else's eyes.” A few tears had started falling and he hastily wiped them away. By then the nurse had come to check him over and Bernie left to give his friend some privacy.

He had never felt so angry before. The fact that John thought that he could just waltz in and wreck all the progress Elton had made infuriated him. His friend deserved so much better than John fucking Reid. It just wasn’t fair.

*****

Elton had his arms wrapped tightly around himself as he followed Ray and Bernie into the house the next day. He had been released from the hospital a couple of hours ago and, while both Ray and Bernie were worried about their friend coming back here so soon, Elton had assured them that he would be fine. However, after seeing him wander into the room looking like a lost puppy, Bernie was no longer sure that his friend would be fine. He called his name a few times to try and get his attention, but didn’t get through to him until the fifth time. He didn’t turn to him, but Bernie could tell he was listening. “Do you want anything to eat?” Bernie asked as he watched Elton stare blankly around the room. He shook his head. “Are you sure? You haven’t eaten in a while and the doctor said that you need to build your strength up since you lost so much blood.” Elton just shook his head again.

“I think I may just go to sleep if that’s all right.” Bernie nodded and sighed, a worried look on his face.

“Yeah, of course. Just—uh—let me or Ray know if you need anything.”

“Okay,” he muttered quietly before slowly heading to his room and curling up on the bed, falling asleep almost immediately.

*****

“Um… Elton?” Ray asked from his spot at the table as he saw Elton enter the room, blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders. He had been home from the hospital for a few days and this was the first time he had actually left his room. He glanced at Ray but said nothing as he sat in the chair opposite him, whimpering quietly when his arm knocked against the corner of the table. “How are you feeling, mate?”

Elton groaned and put his head in his hands. “Hurts.” Ray frowned.

“What, your head?”

“Everything.” He groaned again. “Everything hurts.” He wrapped his blanket tighter around himself and Ray noticed the dark circles under his eyes.

“Okay… Well, how about you have some breakfast and I’ll go get your pills.” Elton nodded weakly and got to his feet as Ray left the room. He wandered over to the toaster and put some bread in it, waiting for Ray to return with the painkillers he had gotten from the hospital. At first he was kind of frustrated that Ray and Bernie had insisted on keeping the pills with them instead of letting Elton handle them himself. But then again, he understood their reasoning for doing it; he wasn’t so sure he would trust himself either. His arms were once again killing him and he wished he had some coke or alcohol to numb the pain. Both of those things were strictly forbidden, though, so he was glad when Ray returned with the pills. He took them quickly before nodding his thanks and going back to staring at the toaster.

“Hey, you’re up!” Bernie said, a huge smile on his face when he walked in and saw Elton making himself some breakfast. 

“Yeah. I got up to change the bandages on my arms and figured I should probably stop hiding out in my room,” he shrugged, waving his arms in front of Bernie so the other man could see that he did, in fact, clean and re-wrap the wounds. Bernie chuckled at his friend, glad to see that he was interacting a bit more instead of staring blankly at his bedroom wall all day (because that may or may not have been what Elton did for the first two days he was home from the hospital). “Bernie?” he asked, shuffling back to the kitchen table and once again wrapping his blanket around his shivering body. Bernie raised an eyebrow and gestured for Elton to continue speaking. He looked down at his arms and ran his fingers over the bandaged cuts. “I’m really sorry.” Bernie shook his head.

“You really don’t need to apologize.” Elton just nodded sadly.

“Yeah, Bernie, I do need to. You and Ray have both done so much to help me, and I should have come to one of you about how I was feeling instead of just keeping everything inside until I exploded and ruined everything.”

“You shouldn’t beat yourself up about this, mate. Ray and I love you just as much as we did before,” Bernie chuckled, rubbing Elton’s arm when he saw the other man smile sadly and nod. “There is one thing we need to do, though.”

“What?” Elton raised an eyebrow and took a sip of the tea Ray had just placed in front of him.

“Ray and I are going to teach you how to cook.”

“How to cook,” he responded slowly, like he didn’t understand what Bernie was saying. “Why?”

This time it was Ray who spoke. “Because the only things you know how to make are toast and cereal and you can’t survive on that, mate.” Bernie nodded.

“He’s right, Elton. You’ve started losing weight again and I know a lot of it is because of _this_ ,” Bernie gestured around the room in what he hoped was an understandable representation of what had been happening over the past week, “but I promise you will start to feel better if you at least nourish yourself properly. And that starts with you learning how to cook something of substance.” He glanced at Elton, trying to gauge his reaction. It looked like the wheels were turning in his head but there was something holding him back; and Bernie knew exactly what it was. Or, in this case, _who_ it was. “And I know that what John said to you really got inside your head, but he’s wrong, okay? He’s wrong.”

“But what if he’s not?” he asked. Ray put a comforting hand on Elton’s shoulder and the man turned to meet his gaze. The fact that his friend actually looked broken up about this broke his heart.

“Elton,” he started gently. “John Reid is a right prick 95 percent of the time and rarely cares for anyone but himself.”

“But…” Elton couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“I know you care about him, mate, but you need to think about your own well-being. Which means,” he suddenly stood up, clapping his hands together and making Elton jump slightly in his chair, “cooking time!” Bernie laughed at Ray’s sudden enthusiasm. “Come on, up you go,” he pulled Elton up from his chair and pushed him toward the counter. He groaned in response but did as he was told.

“Ugh, fine,” he finally said, shaking his head and rubbing at his arms.

_It couldn’t be that bad… Right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this less angsty, but these past two chapters have been really hard emotionally for me to write. I hope you all like it though, and once again feel free to let me know what you think in the comments; they absolutely brighten my day.


	6. this one's for all the sober people

It most certainly could be that bad.

Elton was a smart man. He knew how to do stuff. Heck, he was one of the most talented people Bernie had ever met. Yet, he had never seen someone who was as completely hopeless in the kitchen as his best friend. So, as you can probably imagine, teaching Elton how to cook did not go nearly as smoothly as Bernie would have hoped.

The crowning moment, though, had to be when (after the third failed attempt at cooking something for dinner), Elton told them that they should let him have a drink and snort a couple of lines because, “maybe it will make me better at it, guys!” Upon hearing this, Ray burst out laughing and dropped the container of flour he had been holding onto the floor, effectively covering all three of them (as well as most of the kitchen).

“Really, Ray?” Bernie yelled as he threw his hands in the air. It was easy to tell by the look on his face that he wasn’t angry, though. This just caused Elton to start laughing even more.

“I would just like to mention that, for once, I was not the one who made the mess in the kitchen,” Elton laughed, putting his hands up in mock surrender. “I feel like that’s worth acknowledging.”

“I literally dropped the flour because of you, mate,” Ray shot back.

“Well, if you and Bernie hadn’t taken my stuff, then we probably wouldn’t be having this problem.” Ray groaned.

“You’re not getting your stash of coke back,” Bernie said calmly as he returned from the bathroom. “That’s non-negotiable.”

“But…” he said, giving Bernie the face that he knew made him look like a lost puppy.

“No, Elton,” Bernie snapped.

“Ugh. Can we at least work on making something easy, then? My arms are starting to feel like they’re on fire again,” he whined, picking at the bandages and wincing when they rubbed against the stitched-up cuts.

“Okay, uh… How about you go clean and re-wrap your arms and me and Ray will look for something easy for us to make, all right?” Bernie asked. Elton nodded and went to his room to get the supplies that the doctor had given him before making his way to the bathroom. 

As soon as Elton closed the bathroom door, Ray turned to Bernie. “I don’t know, mate. I say we let him take his chances with making cereal for the rest of his life.” Bernie laughed and whacked him on the arm. “What?” Ray laughed, “it would be so much easier.”

“I know it would be easier, Ray, but you remember what his doctor told us: that it would be best if he had a routine for things. I figured that, if we could teach him to make at least one thing of substance, then maybe he could get himself into a routine of eating as much and as often as he should.” Bernie would have continued had it not been for Elton calling his name. He gestured to Ray that he would be right back. “What’s wrong, Elton?”

“Is my arm supposed to look like this?” he asked, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. Bernie sighed and went to open the bathroom door.

“Here, let me see—”

He stopped when he saw Elton leaned against the wall and holding one of his unwrapped arms. “Why does it look like this?” he muttered, staring at the cuts and poking at them. Bernie noticed that both of Elton’s forearms were bruised around his stitches. Bernie chuckled to himself.

“It’s normal for things to bruise when they heal, love. You don’t need to be freaked out by it. Just keep putting the antibiotic on and stop,” he poked Elton’s shoulder, “prodding and picking at the stitches.” Bernie handed him a fresh set of bandages before patting him on the shoulder and returning to the kitchen.

“He okay?” Ray asked as he flipped through one of Bernie’s many cookbooks. Bernie sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day.

“Yeah, he was just worried because his arms were starting to bruise from the doctor stitching up his wrists.” Ray nodded and went back to looking through the book. It was a few minutes before they finally heard Elton leave the bathroom. 

“Okay, so who’s ready to burn down the house,” Elton said when he reentered the kitchen before swearing under his breath when he felt himself start to sweat. He _really_ couldn't afford to go through withdrawal right now. Ray let out a loud laugh at his friend's words and Bernie hit his head on the table, a muffled ‘fuck me’ being heard by the other two men. Ray noticed Elton shaking slightly and raised an eyebrow.

“Elton, why are you shaking?” he asked, a worried look taking over his face. Bernie lifted his head from the table and stared at them.

“What?” Elton replied, looking everywhere but his friends faces. He swayed a little and grabbed the corner of the table.

“I asked why you were—”

Ray never got to finish his sentence, Elton promptly running back into the bathroom and vomiting. Bernie rushed in after him and knelt next to him on the floor, rubbing circles on his back and whispering something in his ear. After a couple of minutes, Bernie helped him sit back against the wall, once again taking a seat next to him. Ray saw the two of them speak quietly to each other and he smiled.

“Now can you give me my stuff back?” Elton whined as he held his knees to his chest. Bernie shook his head and put an arm around him.

“You know I can’t do that, love.” Elton just leaned his head on Bernie’s shoulder and sighed. He nudged him after a few moments and pointed back toward the kitchen. “Let’s go find something to make for dinner, okay?” Bernie stood and then turned to help Elton. “Up you go,” he said as he pulled him to his feet. He looked him over a little bit. “You need to eat a legitimate meal for once. I mean it.” He wrinkled his nose and Bernie sighed. "Binging and vomiting doesn't count. You still need to eat today."

“Yeah, fine,” he relented, letting Bernie pull him toward the kitchen.

*****

“Ray, you put that spoon down or so help me,” Bernie said before he was once again hit in the face with mashed potatoes. Ray and Elton both burst out laughing at the sight of their friend’s face.

It had started while the three of them were making dinner. Elton was pouring the cooked pasta into the sauce when some of it splattered on Ray, which then led to Ray hitting Elton with some of the pasta. Bernie had ended up finding a container of mashed potatoes for the three of them that he threw into the microwave oven, since he wasn’t entirely convinced that the dinner Elton made would actually be edible.

“You two are a menace, you know that?” he said as he wiped the potatoes off of his face. Ray and Elton just laughed.

“That is 100 percent false and you know it, Bernie,” Elton replied with a smile. “You love us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, life is hard. i tried. this has less angst than the previous few chapters so I hope you all enjoy. As always, let me know what you think in the comments, i love reading them.


	7. could you be loved

The next couple months went by in a blur, which was a bit of a relief overall. Ray had finally relented and told Elton and Bernie that he had stopped working for Dick and was thinking about staying in the states and going to school to become a teacher.

Elton was as stubborn as always, not listening to Ray and Bernie about cleaning his arms correctly, which led to both sets of stitches getting infected. They had needed to go to the hospital, where the stitches were taken out and the wounds taken care of for a couple of days before being stitched up again. Elton had spent quite a bit of time whining about having to stay at the hospital again, to which Ray and Bernie just shrugged and told him that he should have listened to them.

He was doing fairly well with eating, though, having gotten into a routine after Ray and Bernie had successfully taught him to cook a few simple meals, and there had been a surprisingly small number of freak outs related to it, which shocked Bernie. He thought Elton would be more devastated about everything that was happening after the conversation he and Ray had had with him a few weeks earlier when he had burst into Bernie’s room at 10 p.m. all out of sorts because of the way he looked:

_“It’s not funny,” he whined, avoiding both Ray’s and Bernie’s faces as he sat on Bernie’s bed. He had his arms wrapped tightly around himself, ignoring the pain from his recently re-stitched up arms. “I look like a sack of potatoes.” Bernie put a comforting hand on his shoulder._

_“We’ve talked about this, Reg. It’s completely normal to gain weight when recovering from an eating disorder. It doesn’t mean that you’ve somehow failed as a person. It means that you’re starting to get better.”_

_“But… my clothes,” he started, eyes wide and starting to fill with tears. Bernie was about to respond with something he hoped was supportive when Ray cut in._

_“They look better on you now, mate.” Elton looked at him, unsure if he was telling the truth or just trying to make him feel better about the fact that some of his clothes no longer fit him the way he liked (or at all, but he was scared that he would burst into tears if he thought about that). “And besides,” Ray continued, “this just gives you another reason to go shopping.”_

_“I guess…” Elton muttered, trying to keep himself from crying._

John had been calling regularly, trying to get answers out of Bernie about when Elton would “get over himself and come home,” because they “were running a fucking business and he’d already taken enough time off from touring.” Each time Bernie just sighed into the receiver, told John that Elton would go back when he was ready, and hung up. He was not expecting for John to show up at his ranch again, not after what happened last time.

“Where is he, Taupin?” he demanded, walking into the house as soon as Bernie opened the door.

“Where’s _who_?” Bernie smirked. John groaned and ran a hand through his hair.

“Oh, don’t play dumb, Bernie. Where is Elton?” John turned to glare at him and Bernie had never seen him look so manic.

“He’s out with Ray,” he muttered, not taking his eyes off of John as he watched him sit heavily in one of the living room chairs. “What are you doing here, John? I thought we made it pretty clear that you weren’t welcome after what you did?”

“I just want to talk to Elton. You know, have a conversation like the civilized adults that we are.” Bernie stared at him and John sighed loudly. “I have a right to talk to my boyfriend and client, Taupin.” Bernie scoffed at that.

“The last time the two of you _talked_ , you pushed him so far over the edge that he tried to kill himself. What makes you think he’s gonna want to speak to you now?”

“Because it’s been almost two months, and you and I both know that he still loves—”

“John?” Elton asked as he and Ray walked in the door. Ray looked at Bernie with wide eyes, silently asking him _what the fuck was going on._

“Elton, I was hoping you and I could chat for a minute?” Elton looked at him warily. John gave him his most convincing smile, though, and after a moments hesitation, Elton nodded.

“Yeah… Sure.” He gestured for John to follow him into his bedroom and closed the door gently once they were both inside. As soon as the door was shut, Ray and Bernie ran over to it and sat against the wall. They both knew it was wrong to eavesdrop on their conversation, but they wanted to be prepared in case things went south. “What are you doing back here, John? I told you I didn’t want to see you,” Elton said calmly, eyebrow raised.

“That was almost two months ago, darling. Surely you’d be ready to come home by now?” Elton shrugged. “You haven’t been to the studio to record anything in months and you have a tour that is scheduled to begin in three weeks, Elton.”

“What if I’m not ready,” he replied nonchalantly, looking down at his arms and trying not to wince at the sight. He didn’t want to admit that he was scared of what would happen if he went back to his old life. 

John caught sight of the stitched-up cuts on Elton’s wrists and sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Look, Elton,” John started, taking the other man’s hand in his. Elton just stared at it, not sure if he should pull away or not. “I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t say some,” he cleared his throat, “uh… Not so nice things to you the last time I was here.” John looked like he was actually in pain, trying to get these words out. “But I wasn’t—I mean, I didn’t…”

“John,” Elton interrupted, “are you trying to apologize?” He scoffed and Elton sighed, pulling his hand away. John quickly grabbed it again, though. “Okay… Are you trying to tell me that you feel at least a little bad about what you said to me?”

John groaned. “If I say ‘yes’, will you come with me and get ready for the tour?”

“Maybe,” he replied with a shrug before fixing him with a hard stare. John ran a hand up and down his back and Elton felt his composure start to waver. His gaze softened. “Just know that, if I go back home with you,” John cut him off with a kiss, “there need to be some rules in place.”

“Of course, darling,” he whispered, kissing him gently. “Whatever you want.”

“I think I’m gonna go back with John,” Elton said slowly when he and John came out of Elton’s bedroom. His suitcase was already packed. Bernie couldn’t believe what was happening. “You know… Get ready for the tour and everything.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Reg?” Bernie asked him, eyes filled with worry. “Because you can tell me if you don’t think you’re ready.” Elton shook his head.

“It’ll be okay, Bernie,” he shrugged. “Besides, I think I’ve kept the fans waiting long enough, don’t you think?”

“Uh… Yeah,” he rasped out. Elton gave him a look.

“But you’ll make sure to come and see me, right? I mean… I can’t do this without my best friend.” Bernie almost cried at how hopeful Elton looked. He nodded quickly.

“Definitely… Wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Elton beamed at him. John checked the time from his spot near the door before walking over to the pair. 

“We should probably get going, Elton,” he said, laying a hand gently on the other man’s shoulder. “How about you bring your suitcase out to the car and I’ll meet you there in a moment?” Elton nodded, turning to give Bernie and Ray a quick hug before hurrying out the front door. 

Bernie couldn’t believe he was letting Elton go home with John. “If you do _anything_ to force him over the edge again, I will kill you. Got it, Reid?” John just smirked at Bernie as he stood in the doorway.

“Of course, Bernie. I wouldn’t ever let _anything_ bad happen to Elton.” And with that, they were gone.


	8. nothing but a mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John takes care of things... Or does he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again, loves!
> 
> I was going to make this chapter longer, but I have this eye infection that is making me look really not cute and it kind of killed my vibe. major bummer.  
> I'm thinking of making a sequel to this once it's finished if anyone would actually be interested in reading it, so feel free to let me know your opinions in the comments!  
> anyway, I hope you all like this story as much as I like writing it :)

Well, John certainly kept true to his word. Bernie wasn’t quite sure how he had managed to do it. Every time he had seen Elton for the first couple of months after his friend had gone with John, the man appeared to be sober. He would tell Bernie that he felt like shit, but Bernie had assumed that his friend was just still going through withdrawal. Elton knew that wasn’t it, knew that it was something else that was making him so miserable. He kept it to himself, though. According to everyone around him, _things were going well_. Bernie was finally happy, so Elton pretended that he was too.

But then Bernie had to go home, and the two friends went from seeing each other all the time to only talking on the phone every couple of weeks. Unlike in the past, though, Bernie didn’t feel as worried about leaving Elton with John for that long. The man appeared to be sticking to his promise to Bernie and keeping Elton away from the booze and the drugs. _Everything’s fine,_ he told himself as he unlocked the front door of his ranch. _He’s healthy now and John is actually taking care of things. You don’t need to worry about it._

John was taking care of things. Just not in the way you would’ve expected. He was caring and gentle in the beginning, helping Elton feel good about himself, making sure he ate consistently, keeping him from spending his nights drunk and/or high, and trying to keep his wallowing over his weight and what he looked like to a minimum.

It was exhausting, though, trying to keep his boyfriend healthy. It was exhausting trying to make sure he didn’t go off the deep end the moment something went wrong. But John couldn’t do it anymore. And that’s when things began slipping downhill again.

Elton was sat in his dressing room, staring at his reflection in the mirror above the vanity. He was glad that the show was over, wanting nothing more than to go back to the hotel and sleep. His whole body was aching, had been since John had had his way with him earlier that morning. It was rough and painful, ending with both men covered in quite a few bruises. It was nothing like the way it was the night he and John had met.

They used to actually spend time together afterwards, lying in bed and wrapped in each other’s arms. Nothing about his and John’s current relationship was like that. Now, John did whatever the fuck he wanted to him. Their times in bed together were rarely long or pleasant, usually ending with Elton alone in the room and in a fair amount of pain. Sadly, today was no different. As soon as John had left, he ran into the bathroom and turned the shower as hot as it could go before sitting on the ground, knees pressed against his chest, and bursting into tears.

There was bound to be a party happening tonight, which meant that he would most likely be sleeping alone; maybe he would actually get some sleep for once. He never slept much anymore, not when John was with him. And it’s not like Elton was going to any parties anytime soon. Now that he wasn’t allowed to drink or do drugs, John didn’t think Elton served much purpose at the after parties; so John no longer brought him to any of them.

John had smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek when he had gotten off stage a few minutes ago, though, so maybe that meant he was in a good mood. _He seemed to think I did well tonight,_ he thought to himself as he started taking off his makeup and the ridiculous costume he was forced to wear. He almost gasped when he caught sight of himself in the mirror, the memories of his time in bed with John that morning resurfacing as he ran his fingers over the hand-shaped bruises that marred his shoulders and upper arms. He felt like he was gonna be sick. He squeezed his eyes shut and took deep breaths to try and will away the feeling, doing so for a few minutes before eventually looking back in the mirror.

“You’ve lost weight,” Bernie commented from behind Elton. The other man spun around in his seat, hand on his chest.

“Shit, Bernie,” he gasped out, hand still on his chest, “gonna give me a bloody heart attack or something.” Bernie just stared at him like he was waiting for something and Elton figured his friend had asked him a question. Shit, had he really been that trapped in his own thoughts? He shook his head, trying to bring his focus back. “Sorry. What were you saying?” Bernie frowned.

“I _said_ that you look like you lost weight.”

“I’ve been stressed,” Elton replied, turning back around in his chair and once again examining himself in the mirror. Bernie sighed before walking over, grabbing a chair, and sitting next to him at the vanity. He frowned when he noticed the bruises on his shoulders, knowing exactly who his best friend had gotten them from. Elton raised an eyebrow. “What, Bernie?”

“Why does it look like you’re losing weight, Reg?” Bernie questioned, staring intently at his friend and putting a hand on his arm. “If you’re not eat—"

“I _am_ eating, Bernie!” Elton yelled suddenly, pulling away from him. “I eat and I don’t throw up that often and I don’t drink or do drugs or complain about the fact that none of my outfits look good on me anymore or anything; I don’t fucking do anything, ever! So please just stop fucking hassling me!” Elton had his head in his hands, breathing heavily for a few moments before starting to cry. Bernie just stared at him, eyes wide, before moving to slowly put his arm around Elton’s shoulders. He flinched momentarily but didn’t otherwise react, trying to force himself to regain control of his emotions. He just couldn’t take it, though. 

John walked into the dressing room a few minutes later looking irritated. “What is taking so long?” He saw Elton and Bernie together at the vanity and he scowled. “Why aren’t you ready to go yet, Elton? I need to drop you at the hotel before I can go do—"

“Get out, John!” Elton screamed, turning around to glare at his boyfriend. Bernie cringed at his friend’s volume and slowly turned to face John as well. The two men were glaring at each other and Bernie immediately felt like he was imposing on something. He cleared his throat and John turned his glare on him.

“I can get him back to the hotel,” Bernie said quietly. John thought about it for a moment before running a hand through his hair and groaning.

“Be my guest, Taupin. He can be your problem now.” He glared at Elton one last time before leaving the room.

“He’s probably going off to find someone else to sleep with,” Elton said with a huff, staring down at his hands. Bernie looked and couldn’t help but notice him running his fingers over the scars on his wrists. They had healed fairly well over the months but still stood out horribly on his pale skin. 

After a few minutes, Bernie nudged Elton to get his attention. “Come on, mate. I’ll take us back to the hotel, we’ll order room service, and then the two of us can just hang out. You know… Like we used to.” He stared at Bernie for a minute before finally breaking out in a smile and nodding.


	9. too far gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Elton have a fight; John has a (tiny) moment of kindness before shit hits the fan
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING for the abuse in the later portion of this chapter*

“You know, you don’t have to stare at me the whole time, Bernie,” Elton sighed when he caught his friend staring at him for what felt like the hundredth time that evening. “I’m eating.” He took a bite of his food, as though trying to prove his point. Bernie didn’t stop staring. “Bernie,” he whined, “stop staring.”

“I just want to make sure,” he said, a frown plastered on his face. “I meant it earlier when I said that you look like you’ve lost some weight.”

“So?” he asked with a shrug. He didn’t get what the big deal was. It’s not like he wasn’t eating. Because he very much _was_ eating. His friend just didn’t seem to want to believe him for some reason. That wasn’t Elton’s problem, though. 

“ _So_?” Bernie shouted, turning to face Elton. He saw him flinch at the sound but couldn’t find it in himself to care at this point. “So, you… You can’t let yourself fall back down that hole, Reg. Are you really that dense?”

“Really, Bernie? _‘Am I that dense’?_ ” he sneered, shaking his head. He was yelling now. “I don’t understand why you keep feeling the need to hassle me about this when I’ve already told you that I _fucking_ eat!” 

“I’m not trying to hassle you, Reg. I’m just trying to make sure you’re all right!”

“Well I don’t need you watching over me like I’m too stupid to make my own fucking decisions!” He angrily wiped his eyes as a few tears rolled down his face.

“Fine. I guess I’ll go,” Bernie looked away, trying to hide the fact that his eyes had filled with angry tears. Elton just stared at him and Bernie sighed. “Good luck, then… I guess.” He shook his head one last time before walking out of the room. 

Elton wiped at the tears in his eyes as he watched Bernie leave before finally shaking his head and walking over to one of the bedside tables. He dug around in the drawer for a bit before finally finding what he was looking for and pulling it out. “Bernie already thinks I’m a train wreck, so who really gives a shit at this point.” He quickly shook some of the white powder onto the table, cut it into a couple of lines, and snorted them. He gasped a couple of times before shaking his head and cutting up a couple more lines. He snorted those as well and went to grab the bottle of whiskey that he had hidden from John, taking a long drink from it and collapsing on the bed.

*****

He was awoken a few hours later by someone roughly shaking him. He groaned, opening one eye to see who it was and almost giving himself a heart attack when he saw John staring down at him. He quickly squeezed both of his eyes shut, hoping that this was all just a dream. When he felt John shake him again, though, he knew this was really happening. “Elton,” he said, voice flat but eyes filled with (what looked like) worry. “Wake up.” He groaned again before slowly forcing himself to sit up in bed. His whole body ached. He lasted about ten seconds in a sitting position before promptly turning and vomiting in the trash bin next to the bed. John took a seat next to him and started rubbing slow circles on his back.

“What are you doing?” he asked, voice barely audible, as he stared at his boyfriend in confusion. He still wasn’t entirely sure that this wasn’t a dream brought on by the large amount of cocaine and alcohol in his body. John raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m helping, love,” he said simply. Elton shook his head and squirmed out of John’s grip. He stood on shaky legs, swaying slightly, and turned to look at him.

“I don’t need any help, John,” he muttered, trying to smile but knowing it came out looking more like a grimace. John just stared at him. He had stumbled a few feet away from the bed when his stomach decided that it wasn’t finished torturing him; he dropped painfully to his knees before throwing up in the trash bin once again. “What’s wrong with me?” he gasped out once he was sure he had absolutely nothing left in his stomach.

John helped him stand and slowly guided him back to bed. “It’s been a while since you drank and used drugs this much, love, so your body is rejecting it.” He went to get Elton some water.

“Well that’s mean of my body to do that to me,” he slurred, eyes falling closed as he lay his head on the pillow. John couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his lips as he set the glass of water on the table next to the bed.

“I’ll let you sleep for a little while longer since you’re obviously exhausted, but you and I are going to have a little chat about this later on. Got it?” Elton nodded, eyes still closed. John sighed and went to leave, stopping when Elton grabbed his arm.

“Love you,” he mumbled, voice barely a whisper as he fell asleep. John just stared at him for a couple of seconds before pulling his arm away and going into the bathroom to shower. 

*****

“Why can’t you stop being so stubborn for once and just tell me what happened?” John sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He could feel his frustration growing by the second as he sat staring at Elton. The man had his arms crossed over his chest and was refusing to meet John’s gaze. “And now you’re ignoring me?” When Elton still refused to look at him, John walked over and sat next to him on the sofa. He put an arm around Elton’s shoulders and tried to kiss him, but Elton moved his head away.

“No, John,” he sighed as he continued to pull away. He really had no desire to tell anyone about his fight with Bernie, least of all John. “Just drop it.”

“I can’t _‘just drop it’_ , Elton. You got ridiculously drunk and high last night after spending months getting sober. That doesn’t just happen for no reason!” he shouted, ignoring the way his boyfriend flinched and put his head in his hand.

“John, stop fucking talking,” he yelled back, groaning at the volume of his own voice. “Please. I’m way too hungover to deal with this right now.” He barely had enough time to think about the fact that he had yelled at John when he felt the other man hit him.

“What did you just say to me?” John sneered, hitting him again when he didn’t answer right away.

“I told you to stop talking,” he sighed, wiping blood from his nose. John straddled him and gripped his shoulders tightly, digging his nails into Elton’s skin. He tried to get out of John’s grasp, but the man just squeezed his shoulders tighter.

“I don’t even know why I bother with you anymore, Elton. You never think about anyone but yourself.”

“That’s not true,” Elton stuttered.

“Really?” John laughed, glaring at his boyfriend. “You spend all this time getting yourself healthy and then just throw it all away like you don’t give a shit what happens.” Elton shook his head and John dragged his hands down his arms. He wrapped his hands around Elton’s wrists, squeezing them as hard as he could.

This wasn't the first time he and John had been in this sort of position, having had their fair share of rough sex with each other over the years. This was different, though. They weren't fooling around in bed together. John was angry with him, and his wrists were already sore and a little bruised from yesterday morning. He tried to yank his arm out of John’s grasp, but he held Elton’s arm down with his other hand. “John, stop,” he whined. The other man didn’t loosen his grip. “You’re hurting me.” He let out a small whimper as he felt John’s grip continue to tighten. And then it happened. He let out a shallow gasp as he felt and heard something snap, his arm suddenly exploding in pain. John’s eyes widened and he quickly released his grip on Elton’s wrist, as though suddenly aware of what he had done.

Elton pushed John off of him, holding his arm to his chest and rushing into the bathroom. He slammed the door shut as soon as he was inside and leaned against it, sliding down it until he was sitting on the floor. He brought his hand to his face and examined it, cringing when he saw that it had already begun bruising and swelling. He tried to bend it a little bit and let out a cry as pain shot up his entire arm. _Something’s definitely broken_ , he thought to himself as tears streamed down his face. He could hear John banging on the other side of the door and calling his name but made no move to stand up and open it; instead just staring at his broken wrist and wishing that someone would come and put him out of his misery. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was a really hard chapter for me to write but I hope you all like it. i swear there is, in fact, a happy ending to this story, so feel free to let me know what you think


	10. when you're gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elton tries to fix the problem; Bernie is, once again, a good friend

Elton didn’t know what to do. He knew he had to do something, since he couldn’t spend forever sitting on the bathroom floor clutching his broken wrist while the man who did it yelled at him to “Open the bloody door!” He thought about going to Bernie, but quickly shook his head at that idea. Bernie wouldn’t want to see him, not after he had yelled at him last night.

But he couldn’t just do nothing. Especially since he had another show scheduled for tonight. Maybe he could try and fix it himself. That way no one else would find out. He turned his hand over so that his palm was facing up and gently laid it against his thigh. He tried to bend it a couple times to maybe see where the pain was coming from, immediately stopping when what felt like a bolt of lightning shot through his body. He let out a strangled gasp, quickly covering his mouth with his other hand to muffle the sound. He heard John bang on the door again. “What are you doing in there?” He sounded panicked. Elton tried to ignore him as he continued.

“Go away, John,” he sighed once John’s incessant banging on the bathroom door had finally become too much for him to handle. He looked around the bathroom for something to wrap his wrist with, finding the tape he used for whenever he had broken fingers and grabbing it. He quickly realized how bad of an idea that was, though, when he started wrapping the tape around his arm; the way it was pushing his bones together made him feel like he was going to vomit. 

“Elton,” he heard John say from the other side of the door, voice much calmer than it was earlier. He started trying to take the tape off, letting out a pathetic sounding whimper as he wreaked more havoc on his already damaged limb. “Please open the door.” Elton closed his eyes, trying to block out both the pain and John’s voice. “I just want to talk.”

Elton sniffed a few times and wiped the still falling tears from his eyes. “No, John,” he whispered, shaking his head even though his boyfriend couldn’t see him. “I… I can’t talk to you right now.” It was silent for a few minutes and Elton vaguely wondered if John had decided to leave.

“Okay,” John finally replied, sighing deeply and moving to stand up. Elton heard him take a few deep breaths before finally deciding to leave him alone. Once he was sure John was gone, he went to stand up himself, yelling out in pain when his hand pressed into the door. He could have sworn he heard something else pop as another wave of pain shot through his arm.

*****

“John?” Bernie asked when he caught up to him in the hotel lobby. He visibly cringed at the thought of Bernie finding out what he had done to Elton. He had gone ahead and cancelled tonight’s show, figuring it was the least he could do after—well—everything. 

“Ah, Taupin. Lovely as always to see you.” Bernie stared at him, eyebrow raised.

“Why is tonight’s show cancelled?” John didn’t know what to say. Typically, he was great at coming up with excuses, but now he was coming up blank. When he didn’t answer, Bernie’s face fell. “What’s wrong with him?” John quickly shook his head and Bernie frowned.

“Nothing, Taupin,” he muttered, cringing at how obvious his lie was. Bernie immediately picked up on it and turned back toward the elevator. John rushed after him. “Everything’s fine, Bernie. Really.” Bernie scoffed.

“You and I both know that’s a load of bullshit, Reid.” Bernie was out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened on their floor. “Give me your key.” John slowly handed him the key to his and Elton’s room, a terrified look on his face. Bernie was going to walk into the room and find Elton still sitting on the bathroom floor, the way John had left him.

The first thing John noticed after he and Bernie entered the room was that the bathroom door was no longer closed. He looked inside, sighing in relief when he didn’t see his boyfriend sitting on the floor crying. He was just about to let himself relax a little bit when he heard Bernie’s voice. “Elton?” He rushed into the main area of the room, immediately noticing his boyfriend curled in a ball on the bed with tears streaming down his face. John’s face paled, knowing it was only a matter of time before Bernie found out what happened. “What happened, mate?” He ran a hand gently along the side of Elton’s face, wiping a few of his friend’s tears away. John quickly went to answer before the other man had a chance to tell his best friend anything. 

“He’s probably just overwhelmed. You know how he gets.” Bernie didn’t acknowledge John’s words, all of his attention focused on his best friend. _Something’s not right_ , Bernie thought to himself as he looked the other man over.

“How about we get you under the covers, okay Reg?” he asked, not giving Elton a chance to answer before going to help him. He had just taken Elton’s hand in his to help him sit up when he cried out in pain and tried to pull his arm away. Bernie caught his arm before he could, though, gasping when he saw it. He turned Elton’s wrist over gently so that he could examine the bruises, whispering apologies as his friend whimpered in pain and tried to hide his tears.

Now, Bernie was no doctor, but he had gotten injured enough as a child to be able to tell when something was broken; and from the looks of it, his friend’s wrist was definitely broken (or at the very least badly sprained). Bernie had never felt more livid than he did right now. He turned to John, feeling a little good when he saw that the other man actually looked kind of scared. “ _You_ did this to him?” he sneered, eyes so dark that John could have sworn he looked possessed. Upon hearing this, Elton burst into tears once again and curled back in on himself. John made a move to walk toward the pair and Bernie held up a hand, glare still firmly on his face. “Just get out of here, Reid. I think you’ve done enough damage for one day.” John looked like he was going to say something before changing his mind and turning to go.

“This is all my fault,” Elton whispered as he watched John leave the room, the tears having finally stopped falling. “I was being stubborn. I should have just told him what was wrong the first time he asked instead of telling him to shut up. I should have just done what he told me.” Bernie’s heart broke as he listened to his best friend blame himself for the pain Reid inflicted on him.

“Hey,” he said, putting an arm around Elton’s shoulders and pulling him close. “Absolutely none of this is your fault, Reg. Even if you didn’t do what he said, that doesn’t give him the right to hurt you. I mean… He broke your fucking wrist, mate! Are you kidding me?” Elton flinched slightly.

“I’m sorry. I’m making you mad,” he muttered. Bernie shook his head and pulled Elton even closer to him. 

“No no no no. I’m not mad at you, love.” Elton just stared at Bernie like he didn’t believe him. They were silent for a few moments before Elton turned to look at him.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you yesterday. You didn’t deserve that; you were only trying to help.” Bernie just waved him off.

“It’s okay, mate. I’m already over it. Besides, I could never stay mad at you for long anyway.” He nudged his friend with his shoulder. “And I’m sorry for making it seem like I was ganging up on you. I just worry sometimes, you know?” Elton nodded slowly, looking down at his hands. Bernie followed his gaze, gently grabbing hold of his finger as he went to prod at his arm again.

“You should really see a doctor, Reg,” he said, pointing at Elton’s damaged arm. “Get that taken care of by someone who _actually_ knows what they’re doing instead of trying to take care of it yourself.” Elton raised an eyebrow.

“How did you—”

“Oh, please. I _know_ you, Reg,” Bernie shook his head, chuckling, and Elton smiled weakly. “But in all seriousness, mate, we should get you to a doctor.”

*****

The lights in the room were off when John finally returned that evening, and he sighed in relief when he saw Elton laying on his side on the bed. After everything that happened earlier today, he was worried that his boyfriend would have left. He was definitely still awake, though, since John could see him running his fingers along the thick bandages covering his wrist. 

Elton stared blankly at John as he walked over and took a seat on his side of the bed. It was unnerving, seeing Elton stare at him like that. He was always so emotionally charged that seeing him look so empty scared John a little bit. He didn’t know what to say. He felt bad, truly, he did. And he really hadn’t meant for things to go that far. He wanted—no, needed—Elton to know that. “Elton, I…” he trailed off when the other man quickly turned to face the other way. He couldn’t deny that that hurt a little. 

“It’s broken,” Elton whispered after what felt like an eternity. John was so surprised that the other man was speaking to him that he almost missed it.

“What?”

“My wrist. It wasn’t really bad, but it is broken.” He still wouldn’t turn to face him.

“When did you…”

“Bernie took me to get it checked out after you left.”

“Oh,” John said lamely, biting his lip. He once again found himself not knowing what to say, especially since the other man still wasn’t looking at him. “Look, Elton… I really didn’t—”

Elton shook his head, effectively cutting John off. “No, John. Just… Just no.”


	11. life itself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so I’m making Sheila kind of out of character for the short time she appears in this chapter because, well… I don’t really know why but it’s happening and can’t really stop it at this point. I am gonna try making things a little less angsty after this.  
> anyway, I hope you all enjoy and, as always, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments, I absolutely love reading them

“Do you think John ever actually loved me?” Elton asked Bernie as the two of them sat outside his mansion one night, a bottle of vodka between them. It had been about two weeks since the incident with John and he had barely talked to him since. His wrist still hurt, even with the cast, which made things worse. He didn’t want to talk to John. He didn’t know what to say to him, and that killed him inside. He was scared that the man had finally broken him.

Bernie looked at his friend, unable to keep the look of surprise off his face. “What?” Elton sighed deeply.

“Do you think he ever really loved me? Or was I just so blind and desperate that I didn’t realize he actually hates me?” Bernie shook his head as he took a sip from his drink and watched Elton refill his own glass for the third time.

“I don’t think he hates you, Reg.” Elton looked at him in confusion.

“But he…” he lifted his arm up in explanation. “I don’t think he would do this if he loved me, Bernie.” He downed his drink and went to pour another. He wasn’t nearly drunk enough to deal with all of his emotions right now. 

*****

“It really is a shame that Fred couldn’t make it to lunch today, Sheila,” John said as the three of them had lunch a couple of days later, and he truly meant it. Elton absolutely adored the man and John was hoping that Fred would be able to break up some of the tension between him and his boyfriend. Elton had barely spoken to him since that day two weeks ago, instead spending a majority of his time drunk or high in his room. John knew it wasn’t smart to let Elton do whatever he wanted like this, but he doubted his boyfriend would even listen to him if he said anything about it.

“Oh, he wishes he could have been here today, but he just couldn’t get away from work,” she replied, turning to stare at her son and causing John to do the same. Elton had been silent since the three of them had sat down at the restaurant and it was beginning to unnerve both his mother and his boyfriend. “Elton, dear, what happened to your arm?”

“Wrist is broken,” he said simply, finishing his drink and turning to give John a look. He gestured for the waiter to bring him another drink as John tentatively put an arm around his shoulders, feeling both surprised and relieved when Elton merely glared at his cast instead of flinching or immediately pulling away from his touch. John couldn’t tell if this change in behavior was due to all the coke his boyfriend had shoved up his nose before coming here or if he was finally starting to forgive him for what he’d done. The past two weeks had been nothing short of a disaster, and John thought back to how strained things had been between him and Elton:

_“Oh,” John said lamely, biting his lip. He once again found himself not knowing what to say, especially since the other man still wasn’t looking at him. “Look, Elton… I really didn’t—”_

_Elton shook his head, effectively cutting John off. “No, John. Just… Just no.” John didn’t try to say anything after that, deciding to give Elton some space for at least a little while._

_He had been lying in bed for no more than three minutes when Elton threw the covers off of himself, tied his dressing gown closed, and walked out of the room. John groaned and ran his hands over his face as he heard the door close behind his boyfriend. Things had gone pretty much the same way for the entire first week: John entering their bedroom at night and Elton leaving to sleep somewhere else without a word._

_It had been exactly one week when John had finally gotten an answer out of him, having been able to grab hold of his arm before he ran out like usual. “Just wanna be alone, John,” Elton had told him before pulling his arm out of John’s grasp and walking out, arms wrapped tightly around himself._

John was brought back to the present moment as he felt Elton squirm underneath his arm until he got the message and removed it from the other man’s shoulders. “You know, we’ve been hearing your songs all over the radio lately,” Sheila said, still able to sense the lingering awkwardness and tension at the table.

“Hm,” Elton mumbled, nodding slowly, “that’s nice, mum.” Their food came and they ate quickly, Elton almost immediately excusing himself to the restroom afterwards to most likely throw it all up.

*****

“Well, that went overall better than I expected,” John said as the two of them walked out of the restaurant. Elton nodded once but didn’t say a word. John stopped walking, shaking his head and throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Are you really just never going to have a conversation with me again?” The other man didn’t stop walking. “It’s been two weeks, darling. Just let it go.” Elton stopped dead in his tracks, turning around slowly before walking back over to John.

“Let it go?” he started, eyes dark and voice growing louder with each word. “ _Let it go_?” Now he was yelling. He waved his arm in front of John’s face. “Do you even realize what you did? What you’ve _been_ doing to me?” John didn’t answer. “Do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to have the person you love hurt you like this? Or how unsettling it is to have to sit in an exam room with a doctor and avoid their stare while they ask you why the bruises surrounding your broken bone look like a handprint? Or how exhausting it is to try and convince your best friend that your boyfriend didn’t mean to break your wrist, that it wouldn’t have happened if you’d just done what he said?” Elton stopped when their car pulled up and he saw Dennis get out to open the door for them. He gave John one last look before shaking his head and walking to the car.

Elton jumped out of the car and rushed inside as soon as they got home, John following close behind. He knew John would be angry with him after what he said outside the restaurant and he really didn’t want to have to deal with that right now. He was halfway up the stairs when John grabbed his cast and stopped him from going any further. “Why can’t you just listen to what I have to say for five minutes?” he shouted at Elton. The other man looked away for a moment before ripping his arm away from him and running up the rest of the stairs and to their bedroom. He was about to close the door behind him when John caught it and forced it open. He was about to say something when Elton cut him off.

“Why don’t you do me a favor, John, and just put me out of my fucking misery already?” And with that, he slammed the bedroom door in John’s face.


	12. life's in pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this less angsty but life is really hard for me right now so that didn’t really work out the way I planned.
> 
> anyway, I hope you all enjoy

Elton shot up in bed at the sound of someone banging on his door. It was only 10:30 in the morning and he had absolutely no desire to speak to anyone at the moment, especially considering everything that happened the day before. “Go away,” he groaned, putting his pillow over his head in an attempt to muffle the sound. The unwanted visitor just continued banging on his door. He groaned again. “Leave me alone, John. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not Reid, then,” Elton heard a voice that very much wasn’t John’s say through the door. “Now come let me in.” Elton climbed out of bed, limbs heavy and brain still in a fog from all of the painkillers he took after slamming his bedroom door in John’s face yesterday after lunch. It took him a few minutes to be confident in his ability to stand without falling over and he cringed at how fucked up he was right now. He spared a glance at himself in the mirror as he walked past, stopping when he saw how rough he looked. There was dried blood underneath his nose from all the coke and his skin was paler than usual. The dark smudges under his eyes made it look like he hadn’t slept in weeks and the sharpness of his cheekbones gave him a slightly skeletal look.

He raked his eyes over the rest of his body before finally settling on his chest, shaking his head at what he saw. _I guess Bernie was right_ , he thought to himself as he ran his good hand along his slightly protruding ribcage. He wasn’t as thin as he was before he went to Bernie’s ranch all those months ago, but he had definitely lost some weight since he returned home with John. The back-and-forth between getting himself to a healthy weight and getting too thin that went along with his bulimia was exhausting and, as he tied his dressing gown closed and poured himself a drink, he wished he could just have a normal relationship with food and his body.

“Ray?” Elton asked as he unlocked the door and ripped it open, not even trying to hide his surprise. Ray looked him over a couple times and shook his head before making his way inside. Elton wandered behind him and sat on his bed.

“Yikes, mate. You look awful,” Ray said calmly, turning to face him. Elton snorted and took a sip of his drink. “You’re drinking again.” Elton shook his glass at Ray and gestured to the bottle sitting by his mirror. Ray just shook his head, but Elton went and got him one anyway. “And based on the dried blood under your nose, I’m guessing that you’ve been shoving a fair amount of coke up there lately as well?”

“Whatever it takes to make it through each day,” Elton laughed bitterly to himself. Ray shot him a slightly concerned look, but his friend didn’t seem to notice. “So, what did Bernie tell you to get you to come here?”

“Bernie didn’t tell me anything,” he shrugged, taking a sip of his drink. “John’s actually the one who called me.” Elton almost spit out his drink.

“John called you?” he choked out. Ray nodded.

“Yeah. He called me asking if I could come check on you because he had screwed up and you wouldn’t speak to him and Bernie wanted to kill him.” He looked around the disaster that was Elton’s bedroom before pointing to his arm. “I’m assuming that’s the screw up he was referring to?” Elton’s face fell and he nodded slowly. “You want to tell me what happened?” He sighed deeply.

“Bernie and I had a fight after one of my shows a couple weeks ago. He was all worried and upset because he thought I had lost weight again—”

“You have,” Ray interrupted, having noticed it himself upon entering his friend’s room. Elton shot him a look before continuing.

“Anyway… He was all upset and then I yelled at him, so he went back to his hotel room. So I drank almost an entire bottle of whiskey, snorted a few lines, and passed out until John woke me up a few hours later. He was being nice, so I figured everything was fine. But he told me that we would talk about what happened later; I didn’t think he would get so mad. He started yelling at me and when I told him to stop talking, he hit me a few times and started squeezing my wrist as tightly as he could.” He paused, looking down at his cast and running a finger along it. "It probably wouldn't have been as bad, but we got a little, uh... Rough with each other in bed the day before, so my wrists were already a little bruised and stuff. I told him to stop, told him that he was hurting me, but he just kept tightening his grip until he finally broke it.”

“Shit, Elton,” Ray whispered as he ran a hand through his hair. Elton didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just staring blankly down at his arms.

“Do you think I’m stupid for wishing that he cared about me?” he asked suddenly, voice small and almost inaudible.

“Listen, Elton,” Ray started, taking the other man’s hand in his. “I don’t think you’re being stupid, but—"

“Just forget it,” he interrupted, pulling his arm away from Ray and shaking his head sadly. “I’ll go clean myself up and then meet you downstairs, okay?” Ray just nodded, unsure of what else to say to his friend.

*****

“Ray,” John said as he saw the man come down the stairs. “How is he—”

“You’re an awful person, you know that, Reid?” Ray sneered at him. John just stared, not sure how to respond. “Elton loves you and all you ever do is take advantage of him and hurt him.” Ray sighed. “Do you want to know what he asked me while I was upstairs with him?” John thought for a minute before nodding slowly. “He asked me if I thought he was stupid for wishing that you cared about him.” John stumbled back a bit at that, not entirely believing that he had heard Ray correctly. It just didn’t make sense.

“But he… He won’t even stay in the same room as me anymore,” he stuttered, eyes wide. “And he told me that I should just do him a favor and put him out of his misery already.” Ray wanted nothing more than to just punch him right in the face after everything he’d done.

“Because you traumatized him, you fucking idiot. He loves you, and you completely broke him.” He took a deep breath. “He tried to kill himself because of you, John.”

“Please don’t remind me,” he muttered, running a hand over his face. Ray just scoffed at him.

*****

“We need to talk,” John said, staring intently at Elton when he finally entered the sitting area.

“Uh, I don’t really think that’s a good id—"

“Please,” he whispered, cutting him off. Elton looked slightly taken aback by the sincerity in John’s voice before nodding slowly and sitting on the sofa, moving himself as far away from his boyfriend as possible. “I do care about you, Elton,” he muttered, sighing deeply and staring down at his hands that were folded on his lap. Elton snorted.

“Yeah right.” He looked down at his cast. “People typically don’t hurt the ones they care about, John. Or did you forget about that when you were breaking my wrist?”

“You have to believe me when I say that I didn’t mean for it to go that far,” he whispered, reaching out to take Elton’s hand but stopping when the other man pulled further away and wrapped his arms tightly around himself. 

“Then why didn’t you stop when I told you that you were hurting me?” he choked out, looking up at John with bloodshot eyes. He was trying really hard not to cry. “You just kept squeezing it tighter and tighter and didn’t stop until it was broken.” A few tears rolled down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away. “I just don’t understand what I did to make you hate me so much.” John felt his stone heart start to break.

“I don’t hate you, Elton.” Elton shook his head and wiped away more tears. “I really don’t.”

“You’re just saying that so I’ll stop being mad at you,” he sniffed. John shook his head quickly.

“I’m really not.”

“But you hurt me,” Elton mumbled once again, feeling like a broken record. John nodded.

“I know I did.” Elton looked at him warily. “But I want things to be different now.” He let John take his hands, only flinching slightly when his boyfriend ran a finger along his cast. He let him kiss his cheek, his neck, along his jawline. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and block out the memories of everything that had happened between the two of them lately, but it was becoming too much. He felt like he was gonna be sick and he needed to get out of there.

“I…” He pulled back and looked around the room, spotting Ray talking to one of the housekeepers. He couldn’t do this; it was all too much for him. “I’m sorry. I just,” he pulled his hands away from John and stood up shakily, “I’m sorry.” And with that, he ran back up the stairs and into his room, not even bothering to close the door before throwing up in the nearest trash bin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is gonna have some cute stuff in it, I promise
> 
> this story is gonna be finished in a few chapters and I have some stuff potentially laid out for a sequel if anyone would actually be interested in reading it


	13. never let me go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Elton have a moment; Bernie isn't sure about what's going on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes yes so I know John is out of character in this chapter but it is 100% necessary for the ending of this story

“John?” Elton asked quietly one morning when he finally decided to start joining his boyfriend for breakfast again. Over the past week and a half, Elton had been spending a little more time with John each day. At first it had been awkward, what with him having run off to vomit when John kissed him last. But each day they got a little closer to each other, and Elton was now able to let John sit right next to him on the sofa without panicking and/or running off, as well as being able to sit together in the dining room sometimes. 

He was sitting at the table reading the newspaper when Elton sat down across from him, one of the housekeepers immediately coming over and putting a plate of food in front of him. Elton just stared at it for a moment before looking up at her. “Oh, no, that’s okay. I’m not really hungry.” He tried to give the plate back to her but she shook her head and backed up.

“But Mr. Reid said to make sure you ate because you’ve been losing weight recently.” He sighed and turned to John.

“You talked to the staff about me?” John shrugged. “You’re the reason they’ve been following me around the house with food three times a day to make sure I eat?” John groaned, nodding as he folded his paper and placed it back on the table.

“Yes, well... When my bulimic boyfriend starts vomiting more often and losing weight, it becomes slightly concerning.” Elton raised an eyebrow. “Plus, I figured you wouldn’t listen to me if I told you that you had to eat more.” He shook his head as he turned away, muttering an ‘ _I can’t believe this’_ under his breath. He still hadn’t started eating, though, so John nudged him gently. “Elton?”

“Hm?”

“This is me telling you that you have to eat more,” John said calmly, pushing the plate of food toward Elton. 

“I’m actually not hungry this morning, John.” The man groaned. “And besides, even if I was hungry, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep the food down anyway.”

“Because you purge so often.” Elton stared at him, shocked that John actually knew about his ‘little issue’. He didn’t think his boyfriend cared enough to actually pay attention to what he was going through. “Your body’s gotten so used to the cycle that now it rejects pretty much anything you try to eat, hence why you’re losing weight.”

“Cycle?” John sighed and ran a hand over his face.

“The little bulimic binge-purge cycle that your life revolves around. Although, now you’re back to incorporating not eating into the equation because you’re scared of how much damage you've done to your body, which is also concerning.”

“Why do you know so much about this?” Elton asked. He had a vague idea of where this was going, but he wanted to hear John admit to it out loud.

“Just curious,” he mumbled, shrugging. Elton rose an eyebrow at his boyfriend and stared intently at him, knowing that if he did it long enough, John would crack. And, of course, he did. “Because I was worried about you, okay?” John shouted, scaring his boyfriend a little. “Are you happy now?” Elton continued staring at him for a few seconds before his face broke into a smile. “Why are you smiling?”

“Because you care,” he said, moving his chair so that he was right next to John. “You care about me, John.” Elton couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his lips.

“Wasn’t there something you wanted to say when you walked in here?” John asked, desperate to change the topic to one that didn’t involve his feelings. Elton immediately stopped laughing.

“Well… I’m supposed to get my cast taken off, so I’ll be able to start—you know…”

“Working,” John filled in for him. Elton nodded, biting his lip nervously. John frowned. “So what’s the issue then?”

“Things this past week and a half have been nice.” John caressed his cheek and smiled when he unconsciously leaned into the touch. “But I don’t want them to go back to the way they used to be once I start performing again.”

“They won’t,” John tried to convince him. Elton still looked unsure, but John ran a hand down his back and he shuddered before kissing him. John returned the kiss, pulling him closer and letting Elton straddle him. They kissed each other hungrily, and John groaned as Elton’s knees dug into his skin. “Shit, Elton,” he moaned into the kiss, “why are your knees so fucking bony?” Elton just shrugged in response and continued kissing him. 

*****

Elton winced as the doctor finished removing his cast and cringed slightly when he saw how pale and bony his forearm looked. “It’s hideous,” he whined, showing his arm to Bernie.

“It looks like an arm, Elton,” he laughed, shaking his head at his friend.

“Why does it still kind of hurt?” he asked, looking over at the doctor. “Shouldn’t my wrist not hurt at all now that the cast is off?”

“Well, it will probably be sore for a little while; I’m going to wrap it in a thinner bandage so that you don’t hurt it again, okay?” The doctor turned his gaze to Bernie when it became clear that Elton was no longer paying attention to what he was saying, instead staring blankly into the distance. He finished wrapping Elton’s wrist and Bernie thanked him. "Might I suggest something before you both leave?" Bernie nodded. "Your friend needs to make sure he's eating enough. He looks like he lost weight since the last time I saw him, and not eating enough can cause his bones to get weaker and break more easily." He nodded for what felt like the hundredth time and the man gave him a small smile. 

_Of course Elton's eating disorder would be at the root of this whole situation,_ Bernie thought to himself as he watched the doctor leave the room. It made sense, though, especially since he had lost even more weight over the past few weeks. He shook his head. _I'll have to talk to him about it again_ , he thought. 

“So, how have things been with Reid lately?” Bernie asked a few minutes later, rubbing his neck awkwardly and trying to get his friend’s attention. Elton smiled lazily before slowly turning to him.

“He’s been so great,” he sighed, looking like he was in a daze. Bernie eyed him warily.

“Really?” Elton just continued smiling.

“Yeah. He said we might go on a trip together soon. Isn’t that great, Bernie?”

“Of course it is,” he said through gritted teeth, thankful that his friend was too distracted to notice his obvious lie. “Are you sure that’s the best thing for you right now, though?” Elton stared at him in confusion for a minute before the (most likely) drug-induced smile returned to his face.

“John’s changed, Bernie, and he and I love each other again.” Bernie just hoped that was actually true, for everyone’s sake.

*****

“This is gonna be nice,” Elton said as he and John packed their suitcases. They were going away for the weekend and Elton was really looking forward to it. “Just the two of us.” He yelped lightly when John wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and kissed his neck. He sighed and turned in John’s arms, wrapping his own arms around the other man’s neck and kissing him deeply.

John ran his hands up and down Elton’s sides, pausing when he felt the other man’s ribs sticking out slightly. “Need to take better care of yourself, darling,” he mumbled into his boyfriend’s ear as he trailed kisses along his jaw. Elton just grunted in response before capturing John’s lips with his own and nudging him toward the bed. John grabbed onto the back of one of the chairs and Elton whined into the kiss.

“John,” he whined, pulling away momentarily. “Come on.” He ran his fingers along the front of his shirt and John sighed deeply before taking Elton’s wrist and pulling it away, dropping it as soon as he heard the other man wince in pain. He muttered an apology as he kissed the side of Elton’s head. 

“We need to leave soon,” he said slowly, hissing when his boyfriend nipped at his ear.

“So? We can be quick.” John thought for a minute before nodding and taking Elton’s shirt off.

“Yeah, okay,” he smirked, quickly removing his own shirt and pulling Elton into bed with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there's only two more chapters left after this one and I have material for a sequel if anyone would actually read it
> 
> anyway, as always feel free to let me know what you think in the comments


	14. crash into me

“What are you doing?” Bernie asked when he walked into Elton’s room and saw him lying on the floor in just his boxer briefs, dressing gown open and sunglasses covering his eyes. By his friend’s lack of response, Bernie assumed that he was asleep, so he nudged his leg gently with his foot. 

“Hm,” he grunted, taking his dark sunglasses off and finally looking at him. Bernie sighed deeply when he saw that Elton was high. “Bernie?”

“Why are you lying on the floor?”

“… Comfortable,” he mumbled, putting the sunglasses back on. Had he not been slightly concerned, Bernie would have laughed at his friend’s antics. 

“How much coke have you had already today?” He shrugged in response and slowly got himself off the floor before wandering over to the bedside table.

“Where’s John?” he asked, words slightly slurred as he grabbed a couple of pill bottles from the table and tried to open them.

“Um… I think he had a meeting,” Bernie shrugged. Elton nodded slowly and handed him one of the pill bottles that he was too incapacitated to get open. Bernie sighed, hesitating momentarily before relenting and opening the bottle for him. Elton smiled at him and took the bottle, dumping a bunch of the pills into his hand and swallowing them.

“Do you want food?” he asked suddenly. Bernie gave him a weird look that he couldn’t quite decipher, and he raised an eyebrow in response. “What? I want food,” he stood shakily and took Bernie’s hand to lead him downstairs, “and I figured it’s rude not to ask if you want anything.” They made it to the kitchen in one piece, Elton immediately nudging Bernie toward a chair before grabbing the first bottle of alcohol he could find as well as two glasses.

Bernie looked his friend over while the two of them sat eating in the kitchen. Elton had offered to make them something, but Bernie figured it probably wasn’t a good idea to let his friend attempt to cook when he was that fucked up. But the fact that he offered was a little promising. He didn’t really look any healthier since Bernie had gone with him to the doctor, but at least he didn’t look like he’d lost any more weight. He guessed he could consider that a bit of a win, then.

*****

“It’s hideous,” Elton groaned as he stared at himself in the full-length mirror in his dressing room. “I look hideous.” He turned to face John, a frown plastered on his face.

“You look fine, darling,” he said, getting off the sofa and walking over to his boyfriend. He tried to smooth out the outfit as best he could before finally giving up and taking a step back to look the other man over. He pinched the fabric of the jumpsuit before looking at Elton with a scowl. “It’s still a little too loose, but we’ll deal with that later.”

“Yeah, okay.” He ran a hand through his thinning hair and sighed before going over to the vanity and shoving some more of the white powder up his nose. He turned to John, a smirk on his face, when he saw the time. “We still have, like, fifteen minutes before I go on.” John didn’t need to be told twice. He quickly made his way over to Elton and pushed him into the wall, crashing his lips on his boyfriend’s and kissing him deeply. He moaned as John moved to kiss his neck, pausing briefly when he heard the dressing room door open followed by someone muttering something along the lines of _oh shit_ before he pulled away from John and laid eyes on the intruder. “Bernie?”

“No one answered when I knocked and I—I didn’t mean to—you know…” he trailed off as he heard John groan and saw him turn to face him.

“What is it, Taupin, can’t you see we’re in the middle of something?” Bernie just stared at him with wide eyes and he groaned again, turning to kiss Elton one last time. “I’m going to go make sure that everything’s ready, okay, love?” He barely waited for his boyfriend’s nod before he glared at Bernie and left the room.

“I’m so sorry,” he started, immediately turning to his friend as soon as John left. “I didn’t know the two of you were—you know…”

Elton just waved him off. “It’s fine, Bernie.” He gave his friend a weak smile. “I should really get going, though.” Bernie nodded, watching the other man leave the room and head on stage for the show.

He looked around the room for John as soon as he left the stage at the end of the show, stopping in his tracks when he saw him flirting with another guy by the door. His face paled as he watched the two of them together, finally deciding that he had seen enough and running into his dressing room. He changed out of his costume as quickly as possible before hurrying out of the building and jumping in the first taxi he saw. He supposed he could have had Dennis drive him home, but he didn’t feel like explaining why they were leaving without John. 

He grabbed a bottle of vodka as soon as he stepped into the house, taking a long drink from it and stumbling into the kitchen. He was wallowing. He knew he was. But as he ate, drank half a bottle of vodka, and took a bunch of pills from a bottle he wasn’t even sure belonged to him, he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He was sad.

He thought about not purging for once, about letting himself sit with the uncomfortable feeling, but that changed when he felt the food and alcohol churn uneasily in his stomach. He rushed into the bathroom, not even thinking twice before shoving his fingers down his throat. It took a couple of times before everything came up, but it eventually did. Once he was sure his stomach was empty, he opened his eyes to flush the toilet, stopping when he saw a small amount of blood mixed with his vomit. He groaned, flushing the toilet and slowly dragging himself to his feet. 

_It was only a little blood,_ he thought to himself as he climbed into bed not long after. _It’s not a big deal._ He ran his hands over his face. _Just a little blood._ He curled into a ball and squeezed his eyes shut. _You’re fine._


	15. waiting for the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is it! the last chapter. thanks to everyone for reading, i hope you all enjoyed it. as always, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments. 
> 
> there will be a sequel, so keep your eyes open for that as well

Despite what he told himself that night a few weeks ago, Elton was very much not fine.

It started a couple of days earlier when he ran off to the bathroom after his dinner with John and threw up blood with his food. He couldn’t remember it having ever been this painful, not even back when he had first started purging.

He supposed he should have been more concerned by the amount of blood (as well as the fact that he was throwing up blood at all), but this wasn’t the first time it had happened. Elton cringed slightly as he remembered the events following his show a few weeks ago, but he had just assumed that that was a one-time thing. He kept telling himself that it wasn’t a big deal, that it was only a little blood and he didn’t need to worry about it.

It took him almost thirty minutes to drag himself out of the bathroom. He tried to hide how badly his body was shaking as he climbed into bed next to John, not wanting to have to explain what happened, but the other man saw through it. “Everything okay, love?” he asked, taking one of Elton’s hands as he watched his boyfriend curl in on himself. He nodded once, but John didn’t look convinced. “Are you sure? You left dinner in kind of a hurry.” Elton just nodded again.

“Just wanna sleep,” he sighed, whimpering quietly as he held John’s hand and closed his eyes. He spent a majority of the night trying to convince himself that what had happened wasn’t that bad; that it was just a one-time thing again. But something wasn’t right. This was much worse than that time a few weeks ago, and when it didn’t stop after the one time, he started to get worried.

*****

Elton had been feeling ‘off’ the entire night.

He heard his heart beating in his ears as he finished his last song before his scheduled costume change of the evening, smiling weakly out at the crowd as they cheered for him. He had never felt worse during a show than he did right now, and he couldn’t be more grateful that the tour was over after tonight.

He was doing his best not to sway while walking off the stage, failing as a wave of nausea hit him and stumbling to the nearest trash bin to throw up blood for the sixth ( _or was it seventh?_ ) time in the past three days. He almost cried because of how painful it was and he had to grip the bin to keep himself from collapsing onto the floor.

Bernie was at his side in an instant, steadying him and pulling a chair over for him to sit on. “Reggie?” he asked, sounding like he was on the verge of a complete breakdown. Elton waved him off and tried to get up, but Bernie quickly pushed him back down.

“Let go, Bernie,” he groaned, trying to get the other man to stop gripping his shoulder. “I have less than ten minutes before I have to go back out.”

“Are you serious?” he demanded, taking a step back so that he could look his friend in the eyes. “You can’t go back out there, Reg!”

“I’m fine, Bernie,” he tried again, hoping it wasn’t obvious that he was lying. “I usually feel better right after it happens.” He attempted a smile, but knew it definitely came off looking like a grimace; he swore it would have been more convincing had it not been for the blood staining his teeth. Sadly, he hadn’t realized the caliber of what he’d said until he felt Bernie grip his shoulders again.

“This has happened more than once?” he shouted.

“What the fuck is going on?” John snapped as he approached the two of them. “Elton, why aren’t you changed?”

“Bernie won’t let me go.” John turned to Bernie and raised an eyebrow.

“Need I remind you, Taupin, that _I_ am Elton’s manager and that I make those kinds of decisions? Now why would you think that you can just decide, mid-show, that he’s not going back out?”

“Because he stumbled off stage and then vomited blood,” Bernie yelled, watching as the other man’s eyes widened.

“Elton, is that—” He stopped mid-sentence when he saw that his boyfriend was gone. He turned to look at Bernie again. “Where did he go?” The other man looked around a few times before cringing as he heard the crowd cheer and Elton begin to sing. By the look on John’s face, Bernie assumed he heard it as well, and both men rushed over to watch what they both knew would end up being a complete disaster. 

He squeezed his eyes shut as soon as he finished the last song of the night, his body feeling like it was on the verge of collapsing. His chest had started hurting a little while ago and, as he stood shakily from the piano, felt like it was getting worse by the second. It felt like his body was moving in slow motion as he started walking off the stage, limbs heavy and brain in a fog. He vaguely remembered pressing a hand to his chest before he was falling, everything going black.

*****

“Would you stop pacing for five minutes, Reid, you’re driving me crazy,” Bernie groaned as he and John waited in Elton’s hospital room. It had been almost a full week since he had collapsed on stage and the two of them had spent the entire time waiting for him to wake up.

“It’s been a week, Taupin, and he still isn’t any better. He hasn’t even fucking woken up yet.” As soon as John said that, Elton groaned quietly and moved his head a little bit. At first John thought he was just seeing things, that he had finally gone crazy after spending a week waiting for his boyfriend to wake up. But as he watched him turn his head and move his arms, he knew he had seen correctly.

“Hm,” Elton groaned, opening his eyes slowly and staring at the two men in confusion. He looked around the room, getting progressively more anxious until he found himself starting to hyperventilate, coughing roughly as he tried to get air into his lungs and letting out a small whimper when he saw the drops of blood in his hand. Bernie rushed over to him with a box of tissues to wipe the blood away but ended up doing it himself when Elton became too distracted by the IV in his other hand. Bernie quickly cleaned the blood from his friend’s hand before telling John that he would find one of the nurses and leaving the room.

Elton watched Bernie leave with wide eyes, staring at the empty doorway until he shifted his gaze down to his hands. He poked and prodded at the IV a few times before trying to take it out; he was stopped almost immediately by John pulling his other hand away and interlacing their fingers together. Elton stared at their hands for a moment before looking up at his boyfriend. “What—” he gasped out, coughing roughly again and getting a small amount of blood on his hospital gown. John felt his heart break when Elton looked back up at him with panic-filled eyes.

“Bernie went to go find one of the nurses, okay?” He took a deep breath to steady himself when Elton just stared blankly at him. “So just sit tight and relax as best you can, love.”

A few minutes passed before they heard a soft knock on the door and saw a nurse and a tall man who Elton assumed was the doctor enter the room. He eyed both of them warily and the man turned to him. “You gave us quite the scare, Mr. John. How are you feeling?” Elton didn’t know what to say as he stared up at the doctor with a slightly scared look on his face. “I’d like to speak to him privately first, if that’s all right?” he asked, looking over at John and Bernie. “You know, before I talk to all three of you together.” The two men nodded and stood to follow the nurse out to the waiting room.

“Look, Mr. John—”

“Elton,” he whispered, interrupting the doctor. “You… You can call me Elton.” The man nodded and sat in the chair next to his bed.

“Look, Elton… I need to talk to you about a few things and ask you some questions, and in order to do that I’m going to need you to be completely honest with me. Do you think you can do that?” Elton nodded slowly. “Great. So, first things first… approximately how long have you been using drugs for?”

“What?” he choked out, coughing and putting his hand to his neck as a sharp pain shot through his throat. He immediately brought it back down to his lap when he felt a bandage there. “What does that have to do with anything?” He nodded in thanks as the other man handed him a tissue to wipe the blood from his mouth.

“You had a heart attack that was caused by your cocaine use, Elton. I need to know how serious an issue this is so that I can help you get better.” He closed his eyes for a second before looking down at his hands and watching as they fidgeted with the blanket one of the nurses had brought him.

“I guess it’s been a problem for a while,” he whispered, refusing to meet the doctor’s eyes. “And sometimes I feel like I can’t make it through each day without the alcohol and the drugs.” He shrugged and wrapped his arms tightly around himself.

“And what about purging? How long has that been going on?” Elton shrugged again.

“I don’t know. I was doing it for a while, but then I stopped for a few months and started getting better. Things were fine for a little bit, but then they got bad again.” 

“And what do you think caused the cycle to start up again?” he asked, staring at Elton with concern. 

“I was scared of gaining weight. I, uh… I still am, I guess.” He pulled the blanket up higher as he started to shiver. “But now I can barely eat anything without throwing it up, so whether I binge or not is kind of irrelevant.”

“How many times a day do you typically purge?” Elton raised an eyebrow at him.

“What makes you think I do it more than once a day?” The doctor sighed.

“Because you had a very serious tear in your esophagus from vomiting so much.” Elton looked back down at his hands. “I think you would really benefit from some extra help.” He raised an eyebrow and looked at the man in confusion. “There is a rehabilitation center not too far from here that I’m going to recommend you be admitted to.” Elton was sure his jaw was on the floor at this point. He shot the man a look, completely unable to believe what was happening right now. “I’ll go tell your friends that they can come back in.”

Elton watched the doctor as he left the room and shook his head. _This is ridiculous_ , he thought to himself. _I don’t need to go to fucking rehab_. He groaned, running his hands over his face. _I’m perfectly fine._

It seemed like only a few seconds had passed when the doctor returned with his best friend and his boyfriend. He gestured for the two of them to take a seat before sitting in his own chair and clearing his throat. “So, I spoke with Elton about some things that I found rather concerning and recommended a treatment center that I believe could really help him.” John and Bernie both looked over at Elton when they heard him scoff.

“I don’t need rehab, okay? I’m not going.”

“You told me that you thought you had a problem, did you not?”

“Well… Yeah. But that was before I knew that you were gonna do this to me.” He threw his arms up, wincing when the movement tugged on the IV in his hand. “It’s pretty unfair, actually, and I don’t want to—"

“I think you should go,” John whispered suddenly, shocking both Bernie and Elton.

“What?” he snapped, glaring at his boyfriend. John didn’t look the least bit intimidated.

“I think going to treatment would be good for you,” he said calmly. He reached out to take Elton’s hand in his, but the other man pulled away. “Elton…”

“Why?” he whispered, trying to keep his cool. “Why would it be good for me?”

“Because you need to get better and you need to take care of yourself. I know a lot of times it doesn’t seem like it, but I actually care a lot about you.” He wiped away a few tears as they rolled down his cheeks and Bernie almost couldn’t believe what was happening. _The_ John Reid was actually crying. “And I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“John’s right, Reg. You need help.” Elton sighed deeply and ran his hands over his face, trying to keep himself from getting overwhelmed by everything. He thought it over for a few minutes before finally deciding that he had nothing to lose at this point.

“Fine,” he relented, voice barely a whisper. “I’ll try it out.”

*****

“I’m getting fat,” Elton whined into the receiver as he and Bernie talked on the phone. He had been at the treatment center for a few weeks now and was having a bit of a hard time coping with everything that was happening.

“I’m sure you’re not,” Bernie responded calmly. “You’re probably just overreacting.” He heard Elton groan.

“I am not ‘just overreacting’, Bernie. They make me eat three times a day and they don’t let me go into the bathroom for almost an hour after each meal.”

“They are just trying to help you, Reg.”

“And… I’ve been scared to wear some of the pants I brought with me because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle the emotional breakdown that will happen when I finally decide to try them on and realize that they don’t fit.”

Bernie sighed. “Does Reid know about all of this?”

“I told John the same thing when he came to visit me,” he said slowly.

“And?” Bernie asked, hoping his anxiety wasn’t too obvious. He still wasn’t entirely convinced that John wouldn’t say something to throw his friend off the wagon.

“He said I looked fine.”

“See? There’s nothing to worry about.”

“But what if he’s lying, Bernie? Then what?”

“Everything is gonna be fine, Reg. You are gonna be fine. Just try to concentrate on taking care of yourself.”

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @highlyycaffeinated to check out more of my love for this movie


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